Hydrocolonics; it’s time for real talk.

Hydrocolonics; it’s time for real talk.

Hydrocolonics; it’s time for real talk.

            My non-stop venture into the unconventional world of wellness has been going on since before I even had any legitimate health complaints. One of my oldies but goodies has been the discreet (until now) and occasional sessions of Hydrocolonics. This treatment had a bit of a moment in the early 2000’s when reality TV stars and celebrities copped to this cringe-worthy treatment for a multitude of reasons…detox, weight loss, overall health etc. However, since its less than glamorous and the opposite of sexy it flew back under the radar and you rarely hear about it in mainstream media anymore.

            This treatment has been around for eons with holistic gurus swearing by its cleansing effects to the body. My initial motivation you ask? What else than pure, unadulterated, rapid weight loss using the craziest and most invasive method available to me at the time. So, I’m guessing you’d like me to describe the process…well put down your sandwich and brace yourself because it’s about as lovely as experience as a self-induced limb fracture.

            You go in, strip down and lie on your side in fetal position (no, I’m not kidding.) You are then told to relax (really?) while the therapist ever so gently inserts the cannula in what has to be the most awkward, uncomfortable, painful (hey I’m not THAT raunchy) experience ever. If they are sweet and soft spoken they provide copious amounts of KY beforehand; however if they are Eastern European LA transplants who run  their medical spas like a car dealership they may forgo the lube for convenience and subsequently your morale.

            A warm, diluted saline solution is pumped into you by this machine, which slowly fills up your lower colon until you get the sensation you are very full, followed by horrible pressure and cramping. A little abdominal massage completes invariable hell and with a swift pull of the switch the water is quickly swooshed back into the machine where clear tubing provides you with a first-hand look at the horrors within. The two way-valve system ensures clean water with each refill and if you’re wondering, the answer is no…it does not get any easier.

            Yes, you can expect to lose between 1-5 pounds with each session and oftentimes gastrointestinal issues like excessive heartburn, bloating and occasional constipation are relieved temporarily. It’s not the most luxurious wellness treatment around but I can’t negate the health benefits I’ve personally experienced (why else would anyone subject themselves) after a session. If you’re curious I urge you to take the time to research and ask around. It’s a hush hush subject but you’d be surprised.

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